Spring has brought some (some) good weather rolling over these Isles, and I've been returning to local parks for the first pickup games of the year. In celebration, here's a look at some of the players who are unmistakable presences at many an informal ballgame.
A PICK AND ROFL FIELD STUDY: Pickup Game Characters
Mr Follow Through - Has good shooting mechanics, and will make sure you notice them every single time. For him, every jumpshot is the last moneyball in the NBA 3-point contest. The hand hangs in the air like Jordan's championship-winner in '98. He does it to look slick for when he beats the buzzer in his head (which is every time).
"AND HE SINKS IT AT THE BUZ- oh my bad"
Basketball Shopper - He enjoys shopping for basketball gear as much as he enjoys basketball. New trainers and throwback jerseys are unveiled every week, the more obscure the better (nobody more popular than Olden Polynice is permissible). Also sports an assorted array of headbands, wristbands, Keith Van Horn socks, shooting sleeves and official team warmups.
Player-Coach - Usually has a couple of years of organised ball under his belt, and so spends his time incessantly calling plays, shouting instructions, directing the defense, and offering advice/motivation. Occasionally pulls his team to one side and quickly runs through the Triangle or the Princeton offense.
OK, everyone got it? "Win" on three! One, two, THREE!
His Airness - Always dunking, trying acrobatic layups and calling for alley-oops. To his credit, he is capable of actually getting up there and putting it down. That's why he wants to do it so often. But he's prone to getting carried away, attempting double-clutch moves, windmills and reverses; most of which he mistimes or flings off the rim. When he does get them down and somebody happens to be within a couple of metres, he howls at them and angrily thumps his chest.
The Fundamentalist - A great guy to have on your side. Might not have much range, great handles, or any hops at all. But he does the dirty work. Plays energetic defense, boxes out, sets hard picks. Even dives for loose balls and takes charges on the outdoor concrete surfaces. He probably played for a good coach at some point, so don't be shocked when he starts making some neat bankshots during crunch time.
"Hey what's up, do you guys need an extra player?"
Spot - Has figured out how to make it rain from exactly one spot on the floor. Will park there all game, and wet that jumper 75-80% of the time. Despite his predictability, he somehow always manages to get the shot off over the defense. Much to Player-Coach's anguish, who barks for active hands, tighter rotations and quicker weakside help.
Homo Sapiens V1.2 - Not necessarily a great baller, but head-and-shoulders more athletic than anybody else on the court, regardless of the playing level. He is explosively quick, strong as a bull, and has inexhaustible stamina. He keeps driving to the hoop, either leaving defenders in his slipstream or bulldozing them over. Eventually, everyone stops trying to challenge him since it's not worth the wasted energy/crash to the floor. Very difficult to identify before the game - V1.2 often manifests as a fat Eastern European guy in his 50's.
Confirmed body types of Homo Sapiens V1.2 incarnations.
The Tandem - Unstoppable duo, who grew up learning the sport alongside each other, and know each other's games inside-out. They generally only pass to each other, not trusting the rest of the losers on the team to be on their level. They run the pick-and-roll like Stockton and Malone, unfold intricate passing moves like Bird and Walton, unleash suffocating traps on defense, find each others' cuts, drive-and-dish, and generally never put a foot wrong. Eventually it just gets old and everybody else goes home.
Victim - In his mind, Victim is stalked by brutal opponents who viciously assault him with a game-long barrage of hacks, elbows, shoves, swipes, knees and trips. Every drive is met with a Flagrant 2-worthy Judo takedown, every jumper is met with a wildly-flailing blocker who mauls his shooting motion with both legs and arms. Can often be a game-ruiner, repeatedly grabbing the ball with indignation and insisting on free throws.
LEFT: Actual events. RIGHT: Victim's perception of events.
